How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself in Sport
Picture the drive home after a game. You made one mistake over the entire match. You probably also made forty good decisions, but you wouldn’t know it from the commentary in your head. That one moment is on repeat, and the voice narrating it is harsher than any coach you’ve ever played for.
Many athletes know this one well. You hold yourself to a high standard, which is a good thing, but somewhere along the way the standard turned into a stick to beat yourself with. If you’ve been wondering how to stop being so hard on yourself in sport, this one’s for you. Let’s get into it.
What Is the Inner Critic?
The inner critic is the running commentary in your head that judges what you do. It’s a form of self-talk, which is simply the things you say to yourself, out loud or silently, before, during and after you perform. Everyone has it. The only question is whether yours is working for you or against you.
Here’s the trap. A lot of athletes believe the harsh voice is what keeps them sharp. Go easy on yourself and you’ll go soft, right? I’d argue the opposite. There’s a big difference between high standards and harsh judgement. High standards say, “I want to get this right and I’ll keep working at it.” Harsh judgement says, “I’m useless because I didn’t.”
In Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), one of the approaches I use with athletes, we call those harsh thoughts demands: the shoulds and musts. “I must not make mistakes.” “I should have scored that.” Demands are rigid, and when reality doesn’t match them (it won’t, because you’re human) the fallout is frustration, anxiety and a dent in your confidence.
Why Being Hard on Yourself Costs You Performance
Think about it like this. Would you play better for a coach who screamed at every mistake, or one who was honest with you but clearly in your corner? Most of us know the answer. Your inner voice is a coach you take everywhere, so it matters which one you’ve hired.
When the critic takes over, a few things happen. You tense up. You start playing safe to avoid the next telling-off, so you stop taking the shots and risks that made you good in the first place. You ruminate, which means going over the same thought again and again without getting anywhere. And the enjoyment quietly drains out of the sport you love.
Studies with athletes have found that those who treat themselves with more kindness after a setback tend to ruminate less and bounce back faster. That isn’t softness. That’s staying in the game long enough to get better.
Jonny Wilkinson is a good example. He kicked England to a Rugby World Cup in 2003 and has spoken openly since about how his perfectionism and relentless self-criticism meant he could barely enjoy it. The talent was never the problem. The voice in his head was, and learning to turn it down came later than the trophies did.
How to Stop Being So Hard on Yourself in Sport
Catch the shoulds and musts.
When you hear “I must not miss this,” swap the demand for a preference: “I want to hit this well, and I can handle it if I don’t.” It sounds small. It changes how your whole body feels going into the moment.
Name the thought instead of becoming it.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), another approach I lean on, we treat thoughts like weather. They roll in, they roll out, and you don’t have to argue with every cloud. Try “I’m having the thought that I’m useless” rather than “I’m useless.” Now there’s a gap between you and the thought, and in that gap you get to choose what happens next.
Use the teammate test.
If your closest teammate made the exact same mistake, what would you say to them? You’d be honest, but you wouldn’t be cruel. Write that sentence down. That’s your new line for yourself. This is self-compassion in action: treating yourself the way you’d treat someone you rate.
Separate the performance from the person.
“I played poorly today” is information you can work with. “I’m a poor player” is a verdict, and not even an accurate one. Mistakes are data. They tell you what to work on, nothing more.
Keep a two-column review.
After a game, write down what went well and one thing to work on. Yes, one. The critic wants a list of ten failures. The evidence usually tells a far more balanced story, and evidence beats a bad mood every time.
Practise it like any other skill.
You wouldn’t expect a new technique to hold up in a cup final if you’d never tried it in training. Same here. Use these tools after training sessions first, little and often, so they’re ready when the pressure is on.
Standards High, Cruelty Low
Nothing here asks you to care less. You keep the standards. You drop the cruelty. The athletes who go furthest aren’t the ones who punish themselves hardest; they’re the ones who can make a mistake, learn from it and go again with their head up.
So, what’s the one thing you’re going to say differently to yourself after your next game?
If the inner critic has been running the show for a while and you’re ready to change that, it’s exactly what we work on in The Empowered Programme, my 6-session 1-1 mindset coaching programme. Together we’ll build your self-talk into something that backs you rather than beats you. Get in touch to arrange a discovery call, and let’s get you performing like the athlete you know you can be.
“You can’t critique yourself into greatness; instead you must love yourself into greatness.”
Karri Walsh Jennings
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